why?

i realize your eyes
i see the cries
from the boy
who made the man
i weep
i am inept
i sing
i want to
believe
i stand back
i bend
i crouch
i cry
i sigh
i shout
i want to make it go away
because
i dont want to know
how they hurt us
why they hurt them
why love is not in charge
why babies die
where is god
how it let's us do
what we do
where is god
why do we kill
each other
day after day

how we met

Word’s cloaked in dry grass and arid twigs

are anticipatory fuels;

casualties

under a hot persistent sun.

With the right heat, the right sparks,

a kindling fire spirit seizes the opportunity

to ignite her pondering question with answers.

Flames, caught by the wind, fly skyward and wild.

Land is sky.

Flesh

is bone.

Pain is pleasure.

Old is young

in the burn,

in the flames.

Nothing knows it’s own identity.

Only the water can take her from her endless

burning.

god's evil trick

soul to soul.
need to need.
age matters not.
we join.
we unite...
into
a state
of bliss.
why in heavens
name
could this be wrong.?
if we just go
with the flow,
god's evil trick
would become clear.
women are
in their prime
at 40.
men are at theirs
at 20.
yeah, god...wtf is up
with this strangeness?

New Love

He makes me laugh and I don't sense that I am needed to enhance His ego. He is who He is.
He is the best story teller I have met thus far. He smiles and laughs much. He is Dominant to the core. He makes me feel like I matter. We are just on a journey... just being open to finding our partners, the ones we made deals with, to have our back and to tuck us in at night. If it happens then we will settle into bliss, if not, we will carry on.

I hope it is You.

No Title...(for the love of GOD)

if we do not know the rules then we are exempt from following them, right?

a no boundary union has NO BOUNDARIES.

it is a free for all. anything goes....except for that which transcends common decency.

can anyone tell me who sets the perimeters for "common decency"?

well....these are my ponderings for the moment.

just thinkin'

...well...each new day brings new lessons if i am teachable. actually, the last week has been turbo charged in the awareness arena. my gratitude abounds for the souls who have supported me in my angst. you held me, you listened and you loved me. may i have the opportunity to be there in the same compassionate way if your need arises. you each know who you are.

oh~ and to the beasts that feel threatened and attempt to tear me down....may your pain have it's end so that you may use your powers for good. my pink bubble is intact and you have no ability to harm me.
you know who you are as well. *grins*

once again

to the edge...once again, we go.
a dance of advance and retreat.
as i let go~ as i let you be who you are,
i am able to be who i am,
if only for this now moment.
your look tells me all i need to know.
the tone in your voice leads me back.
did i ever even leave?

last night was perfection! you greeted me at the door, you kissed me deep and slow, you wanted me, you touched me, you filled me, you laughed with me, you saw me, you made it clear why...why...i picked you.

once again...from the edge, you pulled me back, exactly where you want me to be.

once again....

TOP/BOTTOM

I decided I prefer the labels Top and bottom as opposed to Dominant and submissive.

Universe knows that everyone has their OWN interpretation and therefore definitions ABOUND.

I am an explorer, a student of the world and need structure but abhor it as well. The thought of being in ANY box (philosophically) makes me want to shriek. An actual box may be just what the doctor ordered, *grins* in relation to a new scene.

I am more and more interested in taking a position with someone AS our chemistry unfolds than being a submissive or better yet, a bottom at all times. That might be a yucky and limiting experience for all involved. There have been several men labeled dominant who I felt no willingness to submit to because of the nature of the energy between us. There have been very submissive women who I have gotten on so well with that I submitted with no resistance.

Yes...to all who know and Love me....I wasn't raised to be a bottom. It is a dog eat dog world out there and my mentors taught me to be independent and dominant as much as possible. What I described in my profile is the sensual and mental dominance that I crave...at times...

I only have this day...

I am ok to walk in the shadows of exploration to find my right place and if that place shifts...may I be able to flow without an EGO bogdown.

UMMM>>>getting back on the horse. I missed You GUYS.

An actual real live experience from this blogger:

On my stomach, lying flat, He uses thin canes, 3 in all to tease my skin by pulling them along my thighs, my bottom and my shoulders. He uses one, two, then three at a time to tap quick and hard. Taps turn into whacks. I moan and squirm. He checks me to make sure I am ok, then hits harder. I can not see His face, but I know it is intent on sending me out into the darkness. A crescendo of sweet hormones flow like stardust into my body. He uses toys, mere extensions of his lust to make me climax. He enters me then, telling me how He knows it is this very connection that I need. He fucks me slow and steady, teasing me. He becomes more like an animal, wraps His strong arm around my leg, getting closer, grinding in deeper and harder. I am filled spiritually by the intensity and longevity of His orgasm as His moans and words express His pleasure.

The ice melts immediately as He applies it to the welts. He pulls the cube down the length of my spine and puts his finger on my ass, noting where a bruise will show tomorrow. He presses it between my legs to cool the well used girl parts.
The ice quenches my hot skin. He dries me of the melted water and tells me to get under the covers, it is time for sleep.

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if i only lived in the forest...

so, my neighbor comes home from a trip to Charlotte and her electricity is out. *bummer*
she runs for shelter to my pad, of course and calls Progress Energy to get to the bottom of this outage.

because she couldn't abstain from cussing out the answerer on the other end....things didn't progress with Progress as she would have liked.

having called the patient but powerless woman on the end of the phone a CUNT, chances of her getting electricity before the end of next week were small, infintesimal to say the least.

a twist in our saga happens only 30 minutes from her agitated phone call when a power fixing dude shows up in a white truck. i am looking out the window and thank the universe and all it's minions that i cannot hear the convo that is surely happening right outside the door.

turns out the silly biotch (or however the fuck it is spelled...) was sitting moping in her bedroom, by candlelight, drinking a wine cooler and ALL OF A SUDDEN her lights come on. She calls me right away...I am like, "Yeah...I know...Congratulations!"

then, the audacity of some folk...she had asked me to pick up her dogs from the kennel and i had agreed to for a fee."$25.oo will get 'em picked up", I say. heeheee, ha ha...funny chuckles..and she looks all cross-eyed and shit. "No...really", I say..."I will do it for $25.00"
Well....that must have been the most insane statement the girl had heard all year, because she guffawed. "OK...I will do it for $15.00". she still acted like i was trying to rob her. uggggg....the gas, the time and the spazzed out dealings with spazzed out dogs, ya damn straight $15.00 was worth it.

anyways....when the electricity came back on, she CAME over and i fed her some eggplant patties i had made. ( we feed her often) she was like, "which eggplant did you use?" i told her one of them was hers and she about had a cow. (by the way, i waters the gardens) she was like..."i had plans for THAT eggplant."

such is the life of having a neighbor who just so happens to be a friend from high school who i haven't seen in 27 years. Hmmmm....imagine that karma.

when she was moving in, she came by to bring some things that she could carry in her car. we had 2 twenty minute convos before it hit me. last time we talked it was a sunday. tuesday night i was "thinking" as i often do before sleep and i said to self, "i think that is my old pal Stacie"...but that is too surreal, after all these years for this person to present in my life again....hmmmm??

well.....back to now....the bitch is getting on my nerves. there are times when i like hanging out with her, but mostly she drains me dry.

the end.

the phoenix

i silently summoned him...not even knowing the extent of my desires.
...and he met me in the darkness of my heart only to feed a gnawing hunger.
with ease and a gentle manner, he studied me, he asked questions of import
out of interest or perhaps control.
i was led by that interest into a soft nest of sure dominance.
submitting to him was as natural as the goose bumps that swelled on my arms from his
touch.
he gave...encouraging my giving...advising me to pay attention to my breath.
he was a guide, leading me toward myself~ which i see as the whole point of connections such as these.
he opened a door inside me. through his balance and unhurried approach, he reached into me physically and spiritually to bring tears from the rain forest within.
settled...at least for a moment...i gaze outward into my garden and wonder where i will plant my mint.

July 4, 2007

Thank you my good friends H and M.

The food was terrific and the company was exquisite.

A Good Life

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
- Bertrand Russell

when all else fails

there is this guy. he is sensual. he rubs his hands along my body and smells me...takes in my aroma and smiles. he seems to hold a mission in his thoughts. he wants to give me shuddering orgasms at his hand. i like his attentive nature and wish to please him in a way all my own. we will be fine friends, i can see and this is a pleasant summoning. when the phoenix rose from it's ashes, it flew quickly and expeditiously into a glittering night...into another sphere, different than the last. he was more than ready for this awakening and wears it like a fitted leather jacket, loose and on his terms. blessed be the kinksters, may their originality and risks shine bright for us all to gain strength from. this guy...is a kinkster as am i. we play nice, only beginning to see where we could go. so many intriguing activities lie ahead...the surface hasn't even been scratched. there is this guy who i trust.....

Hey There Delila

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4kMbg4QAQk

notes to me

an open mind is one of the greatest assets i have to be able to transcend the trials of life.
whether it be physical or emotional pain that is bogging me down, if my mind is OPEN to solutions...even ones that aren't in my realm of understanding, i benefit.
i don't have to understand how they work, i don't have to have mastery of the process to gain insight.
willingness to try a method outside of my typical comfort zone has brought immense joy to this girl on occasions too numerous to mention.
it seems that the best answers to my questions lie in simplicity.
ending my own isolation by reaching out to another with love can make the worst day seem tolerable.
i must experience my ups and downs and be READY, really ready, for change of this magnitude to occur. if i need to sit in negativity and suffering for one day or one year...so be it.
my THINKING can be altered as soon as i decide i am sick of the way i feel.
i can change my thoughts. all i need is the desire to have a different reality.
POOF~ a different reality.

on sunday

i was not doing as i had been told...you moved to where the leather flogger and crop hung..i reached out my hand to be held...i lowered my eyes from you as to not fall into angry orbs of mirky sight. the slaps on flesh rang loudly...your hand expertly wrapping my hair around it, tight! with your tugs, you pulled out the will to object, debate, negate or discuss and my energy sparked and flowed out like glittery ions swimming with angels into the nag champa scented room. unbuttoning your pants, pulling your zipper down and feeling the hot flesh wrapped around pulsing veins fall unto my lips, i could only sigh. my tongue lept out to lick the ridge of your head. i fought to go slow for i needed it deep in my throat, i needed to slide it in and out of my hungry mouth. so...you controlled the pressure by the grip you had on my hair. this was your girl, doing your bidding...she liked it when you owned her movements. she liked being told to get on her knees with her ass in the air. more spanking as you entered me sent me to the place we all desire, pure animal lust and submission. you went into me hard, slow and deep and massaged my emotions, my spirit and my muscles. i squeezed you hard but you continued to use me faster...then you stopped and stayed inside me just moving your hips slightly. my blood shot toward my pelvis and engorged my essence with pleasure. "next time you will only get the spankings and not the fucking. why have you been such a brat?"...i reached my hand out to be held. you turned away..."let's go, we're late."

i love all ya'll

i wanted to let all my blogger family know that i am sorry for neglecting you by not visiting your blogs in a long time.
i also wanna thank the ones who visited me lately. your comments have lifted me up.
i have been involved with finding a job and recently cohabitating with a fella i fell in love with awhile back. i have written about him extensively.
i have planted a garden and many seeds and am trying to mend a strained relationship with my pre-teen son. i have a job that i like and am moving toward regaining financial stability.
i hope this little update finds you all healthy and content.
lots of love from this one to you!!

Anonymous Commentor.....

I have wanted to respond to you but have not been able to yet. Please email me.
Keep your chin up...you are not alone. All will be well, I promise!

the well

an empty well...is just that...empty.

if i want some sun, i may sit near it
and photosynthesize.

if i am hungry, i may eat an apple
perched on the rim.

thirst...is a different story...this well hath no water.
no bucket dipping down to pull a drink upward.

leaves shroud a shaded
hole....stones with no moss,
the sky is it's bluest blue, yet
we cannot wet our lips nor wash our hair here.

it's empty.....may the rains come soon.

in search of love

into this journey i tumble
somersaults, cartwheels and backflips,
battling a fear of abandonment.
the aloofness of you
is the big risk for me now.
CONTROL,
ultimately...we all need it
to suffice the spiritual bankruptcy.
...ahhh...
the godhead lost,
the union of all unions invisible,
the shit fed my the media,
by our parents.
lost~
searching and denied~ babes in the woods
...looking for justice
...for love.

The pouring rain ceases
....soaked seeds swell...
becoming ready to sprout
....the sun shows up,
beams through clouds
and begins it's job
of pulling the moisture
from earths greenery.
birds chirp their approval,
serenading that life-giving orb.
my heart becomes full
at the witnessing
of this most simple process.
no technology needed,
no words even
...just pure unadulterated spirit at work.
i am touched
by these miracles
in ways
only my soul understands.
this is beauty....this is god.

anticipation

anticipation wreaks havoc upon my serenity
...fear of the unknown,
that tricky destoyer of wishes
seeks to attach to a cell
and morph into a full fledged disallowing entity.
NO NO NO~
i must experiment with this One~
there are lessons to learn, old ways to shed,
a union that was planned centuries ago.
He was summoned
...at a time when i knew not his face or name...
He cometh to me in the noon hour,
to be my dominant One...
to show me more of what lies inside.
He taketh my breath away with just his voice, his stare.
i long to know his stories...i long to tell Him mine.
a ghost whispers the lyrics to our song
...bittersweet and timely.
the stars twinkle as always in the night sky,
yet i feel them in my blood
...the electricity fires deep.
until then.....anticipation reigns.

bearing it all

i am embarrassed at the things i must tell you. i fell hopelessly in love with a married man. i didn't know he was married~ exactly~ i had "red flags" but until they became too blaring, i went along my merry way as a woman entranced by him....addicted perhaps....and was a fool. i asked 5 times...."are YOU married?" NO~ was always the reply. the last time he became so enraged by it that i promised to not ask again. he seemed single. of course, later, according to him, he had been rejected by his wife...no sex for 2 years?!?!?! wonder why that is? i still don't know the answer.

he wasn't even the best lover, the most emotionally available one i have met or even the most handsome, but he "got" me in a way i wish now he had not. he was my first Dom, the first man i encountered in my exploration into D/s and bdsm.

i became increasingly unfulfilled as time went on, i wanted more than he could give, i expected him to be a savior of sorts. i wondered why he did not invite me to his home. why would he not spend the night. he portrayed a wounded, angsty soul who needed a lot of space. i understood that. i was patient. i thought i would be the "missionary slut" to heal him. i only wanted what i wanted. it was my search of my own saving that was projected upon him.

there you have it. it ultimately ends up being my own search of selfish desires that caused my own undoing. blame has no place here, or anywhere for that matter. i must always take it like the grown woman i am and swallow my pride and realize, i am responsible for my own life.

i cannot not love him...i cannot not deny his corresponence as of yet. i am now an empty shell who must find her spiritual fulfillment in that which is everlasting. god is the only place i have and really has always been my saving grace.

my angst comes from the invisibility, the illusiveness, the i can't fucking see or feel YOU problem of it all.